Catharsis

How is it possible to feel so loved by the people around you yet hate everything at the same time? I've wished so many times in my life to be the one who cares less about the other person because so often I am the one who cares more. The one who cares more is always the one who is hurt more. I wish I had a metal heart. I wish I had the ability to be selfish. I so rarely do, and when I actually am selfish, I wind up feeling such a useless emotion such as guilt about it. This might even sound like I'm pouring my heart out in a sob story, but frankly, I don't give half a shit anymore. I hate being the one who cares less. In that particular situation, I feel like ten pounds of shit in a two pound bag and I hate that feeling.

I don't even give a shit that I get hurt. I'd rather care about people rather than ignore their feelings in favor of myself. And frankly, I can take it. If it means caring about someone in a way that transcends myself, I can take the punishment. I don't like taking it. When it occurs, it makes me want to live someone else's life. The simple fact remains that I can handle it eventually. I can take the punishment. I can withstand the torture. I can absorb the ache. I can heal the wounds. And yet, with all the wounds I lick and all the gashes I bandage, I still feel that I personally could not live any other way. I just couldn't give up the possibility of someone giving back to me what I want to give to them. It is simply a curse and a blessing at the same time.