My Superpowers

By day, mild mannered Craig.
By night, Super Craig

With the following powers that allow me to hypothetically fight crime and create enormous amounts of collateral damage to the city I dwell in with no fear of accountability thanks to my alter-ego!

1. I can run at speeds in excess of 10 mph when induced to do so by a lion chasing me.

2. I can see in the dark in portions of the world where there are lights on at that moment.

3. I can make a menagerie of facial expressions with absolutely no conscious effort.

4. I can halt any free-flowing conversation in one sentence.

5. I can leap 3 small stacks of dimes in a single bound.

6. I can fly downward through the air for up to 3 seconds depending on the height of the building I am jumping off of.

7. I can make anyone in the room feel uncomfortable and offended.

8. I can write so spectacularly well that James Joyce would be jealous.

9. I can convert certain organic matter into pure electrical energy.

10. I can travel forward through time into the future at the exact rate of time passing.

11. I can read in such a way that no noise can penetrate the force field of my attention.

12. I can speak in a volume unfathomable to the average person at my normal speaking volume.

13. I can take any guaranteed situation and make the outcome variable.

14. I can move objects with my mind and only one syllogistic step in between.

15. I can do things that mystify normal people and defy any explanation.

16. I am omnipotent since I actually accept that I know nothing and therefore is nothing to know so that knowing nothing would mean knowing everything.

17. I can make any argument correct through the use of circular logic.

18. I can read an entire book without having a desire to watch television instead.

19. I can teleport my body through any matter that is either a combination of two oxygen molecules or a combination of two hydrogen molecules bound with one oxygen.

20. I can travel backward through time in the form of memories.

Beat that.